A validation situation.
I read this quote that really stuck with me…”if you talk to more than 2 people about the same problem, you’re not seeking advice, you’re seeking attention.”
And I was like DAMNNNN.
I honestly wish I could remember who wrote it or where I saw it, but the point is, it was so powerful it stayed with me. And of course, got me thinking.
It’s so frequent that we share our problems and woes as a means of venting or letting off steam. But how often are we willing to listen to advice from whoever we are venting to??
We tend to unleash the fury of frustration, but are we seeking a solution or just focusing on the problem??
When it comes down to it, if we really wanted the solution, we probably wouldn’t need to talk to more than one person. Because the answers we always need are already within us, sometimes gushing it all out helps us gain the clarity we need in the moment.
So let’s get back to that quote. If we aren’t seeking the solution, we are seeking attention.
Now that can seem kinda harsh, right?! Like wait, we don’t WANT these problems.
Sometimes, we are subconsciously seeking attention because what we really seek is VALIDATION. We want to be heard. We want to be recognized for our feelings. We want to see someone else value our worth. We need that validation that our problems MUST be at the helm of someone else, and not ourselves.
So we share our issues with whoever will listen, still seeking that validation. For the people to listen, to understand “your side”, to agree with you in some way, shape or form. So even if the person or situation doesn’t see it, everyone else will and we feel a mere sense of validation.
Here’s the prob with that. Those little peeks of understanding are not going to heal the wound.
The ultimate validation has to come from WITHIN!
Listen, I know it’s totally annoying, but it’s true!
If we are constantly looking outside of ourselves for our measure of worth, we will forever be disappointed.
It’s gotta be an inside job.
Now you might be wondering how the heck you do that. I hope this helps:
Break down the problem. Whether it’s an issue with family, marriage, work, kids or life in general, literally lay out the issue. And do this without seeing sides or who is right or wrong. Just lay it out from any angle possible.
Then take your portion of pain and separate it from anyone else involved, because your pain is yours, and theirs is theirs. And no one’s pain is more valid than someone else’s.
Look at your pain point. Analyze the shit out of it. Literally imagine that you are taking that pain point and wrapping it in a lil blankie and rocking it like a baby.
Nurture your own pain. Like it’s your job. Because it is. Literally, it’s no one else’s responsibility to handle your pain. Period.
So once you swaddle up that pain, give yourself grace. It’s really easy to notice the pain and then punish yourself for having feelings. Or diminish it, call yourself names or start the whole damn cycle over again.
“Grace. Upon grace. Upon grace.” Another quote that stuck with me from one of my fav authors Shauna Niequist.
You hold your pain. You nurture it. You forgive yourself if you must. You send that pain love and you can realize why YOU have reacted the way you did. And you see how you can change the energy within yourself without even talking to the other parties involved.
Take a breath and then take a look at the whole problem again. Now, you can’t take the others persons pain and go thru that process for them, that’s a choice they would have to actively make themselves. But maybe, just maybe, you could start to understand that their own baggage and feels and life experience has influenced them in their behaviors.
The problem starts to fade away and opens up the chance to see more of a solution. And you get to show up knowing that you already have all the validation you need.
It lessens the need to fight and paves the path to DISCUSS. To UNDERSTAND. To disagree without this underlying need to be RIGHT, and learn how to just BE!
Imagine how much less stress you will feel once you stop seeking validation from everyone else and start trusting that your own is all you really need! Life changer FO SHO!
We all have those validation situations, and I promise I’ll keep working on mine right alongside of you!